Knowing when to hang up....

I wonder if I am destined to be attracted and drawn to men

who are emotionally or physically unavailable.

These guys who want my attention and affections

but are able to call the shots and distance themselves from me

when ever they feel the need.

My friends urge me to "let go"

as if I have a choice in the matter, choice in the timing.

It is God's perfect time that I will let go isn't it?

My perfect time combined with His?

I am not willingly shackling myself to the dungeon wall thank you very much.

I do not drag around this emotional ball and chain with delight....

and REALLY, it is not a ball and chain.

It is more like this subtle realization that the connection is still not lost.

As if the line has not been dropped even though the other person has hung up.

There is only silence on the other end now,

but I find some tid bit of satisfaction in the fact that I AM still connected.

Is it a control thing?

That even though the other person chose to drop off, I do not have to choose that also....

is it my only connection left?

I do not want to make this connection, and me holding on to it, my reality.

I do not want to get used to walking around with a crick in my neck because I have incorporated this phone to my ear, just so that, this connection is not lost.

The realization comes in knowing that even though I remain there,

there is no possible way for that other person to rejoin me on the line.

To make any other sort of connection with anyone again, I have to hang up the phone.

EVEN if the new connection happens with that same person that chose to hang up.

By staying on the line, hanging there in silence, and holding on....

I prevent ANY new connection from ever happening.

No matter how we are USED to staying on the line, it doesn't make it edifying.....and however comforting, isn't it just holding on to something lost?

Preventing something else from being found?

~C