waiting to understand

Don't think about doing it Do it and don't wonder what it would be like Find out Mulling it over for all eternity from every angle what will that get you except 80,000 options you never intend on acting on So don't fantasize or criticize until both outcomes leave you frozen and stranded detached or intrigued it is only until you walk it out that you'll know fo sho, so Find out for gosh sakes FIND OUT already! ~C

I changed your surroundings while you weren't looking or maybe it is your situation or the people you've grown accustomed to you'll have to adapt now you really don't have a choice I guess the only choice you do have is how long you will take to adapt like waking up to another life like looking around and not recognizing this new layout who is this person sleeping next to me it might have all changed overnight the way he now speaks to you the sounds in the house your perfume sometimes time creeps and change is drawn out and other times it is ripped off of you like a band aid with too much adhesive... either way you are caught wondering looking around and worrying fearing resenting.... it will all hinder moving with the current that stops for no one as it changes again before you can gasp for breath before you can say "stop!" ~C

Flip flopping on the dock gills heaving flip flop air instead of water and fear and the gravity so unlike the weightlessness of water feeling heavy, feeling crushed disoriented in another world other than the one I've known I am a fish out of water and I am floundering ~C

Hope rests on the horizon and its influence, its volume, is determined by the light or the lack of light When the horizon is lit by the morning I feel the spark in my heart and at dusk, when it is slowly distinguished It feels like oxygen is lacking I feel restricted, discouraged High noon over the horizon has me beaming and the depths of night make me wring my hands some days creep slowly, lasting for weeks some nights discourage me for a month Highly aware of hope I can easily see what the horizon holds for me and even if blindfolded, I feel it this is the ebb and flow of doubt this is the rise and fall of expectation each day different, with different light A storm maybe... or a drought... Please God just give me a spark of hope constant on the horizon of my heart so that my light will never go out ~C

prayer answered one I didn't even know I prayed but my heart does Everyone has to find their own way in their own time to rush them is futile like trying to push a semi-truck all it will do is give you a hernia and when the truck does finally move of it's own accord it will be effortless propelled from within not from outside itself and when we let that occur when we let the people in our lives find their own way in their own time something is within that, that is divine that is purposed and perfect You were so mad awhile ago and now the man I speak to he is oozing with love he is content and grounded appreciated and at peace and that man seeks forgiveness no matter if it is justified or not because of integrity because he realizes the value of letting go and how that is a gift he can give himself by letting go of resentment or judgement or bitterness He is choosing to not feed them anymore and it is so obvious what that means for your life the freedom from these things show an...

I used to think there were so many certain things that with the right amount of love or with enough of this or the right amount of that and with promises and with hugs and kisses things were sealed a done deal but it isn't so I am finding out that the world is ever changing that there are more uncertainties than I ever could have imagined that there are more uncertainties, than certainties even that that what I thought my life would be like and what it actually is are two very different things but I won't let myself become cynical I won't choose to be bitter or closed about that... besides just because it is not what I thought doesn't mean it isn't it's own kind of beautiful I may not ever know what is around the corner, but I choose not to live in fear of that but take each day as it comes and remember that love wins, God will work it all to good.... and love always wins in the end ~C

Like heavy vines in a jungle you push through them to find hope thick and black they choke out light the light that will help you find it you trudge through mud for miles and miles until your feet are blistered and sore and then you step out of your boots onto a big clean rock under a waterfall of water and you set your sore feet upon it and that rock is hope We always have to go through it to get to it we have to seek it we have to not give up you know it is there in your heart but sometimes your eyes can not define it cannot make it out through the fog or the black of night Hope is the thing unseen that sings that draws us in from far off that keeps a light burning at the end of the longest tunnel and it will not go out so do not give up on it do not doubt that it is waiting for you to find it ~C

He feels like he has no family when really only one has left only an earthquake shifting everything he's ever known it causes him to question if everything was ever unbroken once because all he can focus on now is the aftermath and he wants to cry but he yells instead he doesn't know what to do with this.... these roller coaster emotions that take him for a ride queasy , he closes his eyes and tries to just hold on it will be over soon and then I can get off (he says to himself) and then I can step out of this but somehow he knows the boy who got on is not the same boy stepping off his life altered when the changes began and what was is no longer ~C

dismantled torn apart pieces of a whole drifting out and away from once was what was known what was counted on what was expected and now loss is fresh now home, is altered and decisions have to be made like a death & having to choose a burial plot but not like that because you are still out there only choosing to leave here leave this family does she take down your pictures then? does she redecorate, or be haunted by you... see your ghost in the living room chair or see your memory in the garden like an apparition while they mourn the loss of what you were to them here of what you meant as part of a whole but no longer connected no longer choosing this no longer wishing to be a part of how can they not take that personally? how can they be ok ....? and in time the brunt of it will wear down but it is forever altered the wound leaving a big scar across hearts and the moment it happened, stood out as if time, frozen.... that moment she knew you weren't coming back that this ho...

Oh how my heart goes out to you because I have been there I have felt the frustration and the lack of control the abandonment and the rejection How I wish I could reach out and help in a way that would ease your burden and yet I know you have to find your own way go through it, and not around feel the sorrow and wrestle with the anger and surrender finally so that you can find a peace with God that is beyond understanding... All I can do is love you through it and tell you it is alright to cry it is ok to be mad that yes, it is devastating I know that I cannot save you from this pain but I can tell you that I understand, and mean it and I do, with all my heart and I so love you! ~C