waiting to understand

Isn't it weird how two people can take something in....the exact same circumstance...and come out of it with something completely different? That is a little scary to me actually. It goes back to how there can be very few guarantees in my mind because of how diverse and ever changing we are, because there is such a huge range of how we take things in and process them. Something that comforts me could be nails on a blackboard to you! Something I perceive as a blessing, could be nothing to you. You look right past it. How I love, and at the same time, am horrified at how diverse, and how separate we are! It makes sense that we gravitate toward the people who agree with our view of the world. It makes sense that we would sneer and glance skeptically toward the people that choose such a different path than our own. It really causes us to live in our own little bubble of a world though, no matter what we are willing to admit to ourselves. We want to feel like we are insanely open-mind...

Small leads to Big

Little choices lead to big ones it is easier to keep up with if you start off small consistency with the small choices makes it second nature a part of you choices are powerful they become you they broadcast what you're about where you are going what you are doing what you are ABOUT to do the small ones make the big ones easier because you created a pattern that has a life of it's own once started don't compromise yourself by justifying the small choices they become the big ones in a snap don't give in to what is easiest either that isn't the sort of gratification that lasts any value born in you blooms from habits formed by you and habits are formed by small choices and small leads to big and then big back to small until you know who you are and so does everyone else your consistency even your inconsistency tell them big or small ~C

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio...

Human Touch

Touch. It is what makes a Romantic relationship different from any other. And I know we hug our friends and maybe even kiss them on the cheek....but we don't TOUCH them, touch them. I just think that if you lack the impulse to reach out and touch the one you're with, then there is something missing, or something has died. If you live day in and day out with someone and you pass each other in the kitchen without any eye contact, or even a half-hearted glance, and if you discuss things in a detached manner and there is no love in your voice, and if you don't even kiss goodnight anymore....aren't you just roommates then? If you don't rub someones back or hold their face in your hands, if you don't even feel the desire to do so, aren't you wondering where that went? When did it go missing? and why? When did touch become so insignificant? And why when we first meet someone we are attracted to, after the first initial getting to know you part, at the part where ...

Avoid Her

You are so negative like a festering sore that creeps and deepens and spreads out and reddens... You feed off of gossip you revel in my pain harvest the darkness because of your own wounds more comfy with complaints more cozy with whining resisting a good ending happier with the crying got something good and optimistic? You'll see her back as she's leaving... ~C

Shush

I talk too much I over explain indulge me as I explain it again in a different way with analogies galore I'll talk off your ear as you walk out the door ~C

Itchy

I have talked about impatience before... and now it is sort of a subtle restlessness where I crave a new way, a new understanding of what I need and what I want and what I want to feel like, want to know where I am going. I feel like now that I have thrown off the rose colored glasses , my life will continue this way forever. Flying by the seat of my pants in all ways now, instead of just a few. Life is so uncontrollable, so unpredictable, and we can only reign in so much of it, there is only so much we can keep in line. People are so vast. The depth of them so complicated and tangled. Their vulnerabilities, their hang-ups. Their yearnings are in check and categorized for the sake of others. I wish we were all raw for once, without the aid of alcohol or drugs especially. That we all could walk out in the sunshine in the nude in a way, exposed and confident in all our shortcomings and flaws. That we could all put everything we had out in the open, on the table, and say "There it is...

Great Things

God is doing great things He is also doing those things in me It is a knowing, without "knowing" A certainty, of growing an excitement that lives in expectation of the next cool clue that is shown to me that is revealed as I wait on his best the very best he has for my life that he has for me as I wait knowing without "knowing" Him. ~C

Rain

Like tears pouring from a loss so deep a good long cry that I needed a washing anew of everything exposed a collecting of sorrow in buckets left out the sound of it comforting and constant like anything with pattern I count on like anything soft and subtle and subdued for the time it takes in falling enjoy it while you can enjoy it more because you never know when it might end rain rain don't go away I want you now, not some other day I need you here to sing to me to whisper to me as I cry to sleep ~C

Tomorrow Is Another Day

Tomorrow the day where we start again the day we choose to bring the past with us like suitcases in each hand or leave it be The new day that stands untouched, awaiting possibility I laugh when you tell me it is the first day of the rest of my life that was what yesterday was and I screwed that up so thank goodness I've got another chance, with each dawn that greets me thank goodness for forgiveness and time that makes it all hurt a little less for the chance again to throw a rock and make the right kind of ripples in this life to make the right kind of choices that add, and not the kind that take away and to love and give the best I can while I can in the rest of the tomorrows I am given. ~C

Repaired

An imprint an impression pressed in pressing on my heart restoring a lost part a part missing replaced put back repaired better now better than before stronger made new to withstand anything everything a gift given that lasts that keeps on that holds that stays even after even later it stands still in time this gift a part of me now forever ~C

Goodbye Every Day

Goodbye in each day to someone, to something To how I once knew you and then a new you coming through you born into a body I knew before but who through you reaches out for me now or doesn't in a different way and I ponder who you've become as I wonder if it is that someone who still draws me in or not and I gamble with goodbye hoping tomorrow will reveal if I gambled well or poorly or maybe just confirmation that it was in fact time to go to say goodbye how could I know?? until I know ah, there in lies the gamble... ~C

One Key

There is only one key although there seems to be many there is no point to having so many keys when I only use the one perhaps to distract or to create an illusion as if my options are far more than one but only one is scratched and worn if you look close there is only one that is used only one that I know and know well ~C

When You Were