Saturday, September 12

Itchy

I have talked about impatience before...
and now it is sort of a subtle restlessness where I crave a new way,
a new understanding of what I need and what I want
and what I want to feel like, want to know where I am going.
I feel like now that I have thrown off the rose colored glasses, my life will continue this way forever. Flying by the seat of my pants in all ways now, instead of just a few.

Life is so uncontrollable, so unpredictable, and we can only reign in so much of it, there is only so much we can keep in line. People are so vast. The depth of them so complicated and tangled. Their vulnerabilities, their hang-ups. Their yearnings are in check and categorized for the sake of others. I wish we were all raw for once, without the aid of alcohol or drugs especially. That we all could walk out in the sunshine in the nude in a way, exposed and confident in all our shortcomings and flaws. That we could all put everything we had out in the open, on the table, and say "There it is!", "There is all that I am!" I just think it would be so refreshing to know it all , and not wonder. To see it all and know we're all flawed, all vulnerable and weak, but have so much to offer each other too. I wish we all knew who we were dealing with, and if you were a crook, you were exposed for just that.

I think it is so funny how we think if we become Christian, we will have less strife in that. That we can trust other "Christians" and yet you still have to discern who is good and bad, because some Christians are even worse than crooks, or one in the same. I think having to discern for yourself the true nature of anyone, all the time, is exhausting and sad. I wish we all wore our hearts on our sleeves, at least to some extent. I think we should all have to wear t-shirts that exclaim the bulk of our virtues or the lack of them...."Hopeless romantic", or "player" or "unfinished business" or "struggling with my past" or "vulnerable and fragile" or "mean and angry" or "selfish and self-absorbed" or....you get the point. At least we could be up-front about it and not delude each other.

There are so many happy beginnings that dwindle as soon as things become more complicated too, as if the more you introduce challenge and diversity, the more you bring out the variety of reactions a person possesses....and then it is as if the honeymoon is diluted with this reality, with these budget constraints and these compromises and like a spoiled kid used to having things THEIR way....we revolt....and the love is diluted yet again, and again....until pure juice , is now water with a splash of juice....a complete shadow of where it began.

Maybe I am feeling cynical again. Feeling jaded by the way we are and the way we choose to be day in and day out. There is this Christian rock song where she talks about how we all put up such pretenses and try to appear like we are so put-together, to show the world that we have our crap together, and yet we are all unraveled in some way, all struggling along, and wounded. It is so true. I crave for that type of honesty, to see that coming through every person I come into contact with. It would be so ideal, so "face value" , and so much easier for us all to grow and really help each other. To really know what we were dealing with.

I know there is purpose in not knowing. I know we could never "get to know" someone if it was all spelled out for us in the beginning. I get it, in some ways....but I still think it would be so much easier to be honest. Cut out the BS from our lives. Society will keep striving to keep up the false pretenses that provide a jaded view of our true realities. People will keep hiding things about themselves they think others deem inappropriate or unacceptable. We will race toward plastic surgery and altering ourselves in ways that have not yet even been dreamed up to find more and more "acceptance".
Some days I just think I am venturing toward a place that allows me to live inside my own head.
A place where I am accepted and valued and where I feel important and beautiful. I have looked to find this place in another human being and have always been reminded in so many ways that it is only found in God.
So that is where I am stepping....closer.....onward, toward a place God designed for me to thrive in before I started designing it for myself and messing it up.
So I will keep on climbing, keep on discerning and looking out for the t-shirts, the slogans that appear across peoples chests as I get to know them, as if they were already printed but in invisible ink, and in getting to know them, I unlocked a secret....
It would just be so much easier if we we're honest in the first place....

~C

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