you did it again God

You gave me another mid-sentence revelation God,
or is it a mid-question revelation?
I ask the question " Why is it that I have trouble receiving gifts, especially money gifts from people?
and you instantly brought to mind a memory of my Dad.
When I was younger he would gripe about how expensive a telephone call was.
I just wanted a relationship....
but when he said it was too expensive to call me,
I learned to feel guilty.
this guilt attached itself to the memory.
It was a burden for him to give to me.
I took that on
and ironed it onto my life.
so now when I receive a gift
I feel uncomfortable
like I am putting people out
like I am creating a hardship for them??
man that is so messed up....
Inside I am so thankful, even reverent
totally acknowledging their good deed
feeling like I cannot thank them enough
but then a friend said....
Life Gives to the Giver and takes from the taker....
I realize that I do end up just wanted to give back to the people who give to me.
Giving and receiving
receiving and giving
is such a lovely dance
I let go of my past
and I will learn to receive....simply
and accept love
and believe that it is freely given
no strings attached
for me to freely accept.

~C

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

and he wonders

from the backseat I hear a little voice ask "Mommy what is your name?" It is so neat that he wonders this out of the blue... "Christie" I say "Oh, Christie, I like that name" "Thanks Bud, I like your name too!" "Daddy and I got to pick your name!" So for the first time this little man who is so grown up already says my name calls me something other than Mommy and the significance of that hangs in the air my baby becomes a boy in that moment. ~C
Read more

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio
Read more

The Giant

You are a giant and you've scooped me up little ol ' me up into your giant laced fingers you've caught me like I would catch a butterfly or a lightning bug but unlike me & the critters I catch you've no intention of letting me go again I am a prize you want to keep even if we will never connect in the conventional ways even if the life you make with me will never make sense or feel complete always a disconnect... fear keeps you holding on control, makes you hold on to me against my will and selfishness it robs you why all the while you call it gain little ol ' me I was never meant to fulfill big ol ' you was never meant to entertain you & keep you company at the expense of losing a life of my own where someone can hold me and with my own size eyes, look into my soul where I can lay my head on his chest and where a same sized heart is beating, softly evenly, for me YOUR heart is a massive drum! it keeps me awake it overwhelms the room like an earth quake.
Read more