waiting to understand

Hope came with the mail today in a letter you sent conveyed in words you wrote with time you set aside to write to me and I felt it like something tangible and now I know it in my heart, to be true ~C

Sour sorrow reeking with regret tainted with tears languid with longing wrestling with resentment while bitterness is bristling and we are sighing with sadness and wallowing in worry and fearing fear itself! why stay there? where you are stolen from where you are lied to where you will die where the same old record plays around and around and the music brings you down down down PSSSSSSSST : hey you, (I urgently whisper) you have a choice! a smile? or a frown? ~C

stack of boxes unloaded dispersed in the last place you may call home on earth a home they call nursing makes me think of the beginning of babies and bosoms of swaddling and of holding but for you it is about breaking down about brittle bones about people not coming around about long silences and a lot of sitting A whole life lived and now reduced boiled down to this small room this room where as you move in you must realize is the beginning of the end And maybe, you are OK with that because the end, really, is only the beginning ~C

He's got you on the ropes sweat dripping into your eye a slow mo' blow to the side of your face as you let out a wretched cry Your face, really your heart bleeding when tore open and when he nails you in the kidneys, it's really your self~esteem he is attacking your crushed nose, really your crushed hopes Yes sir, he's got you on the ropes an emotional boxing ring where you feel like you are losing where there seems more giving and at the same time more taking than one can really stand You gotta fight him! don't lay into the corner don't sink onto the floor rise up and meet him duck and cover swing some more! There will always be a ding as the round affords you a resting where encouragement will be shouted as your wounds are dabbed your strength, do not doubt it! No matter how some will attack you no matter what words come flying at you no matter how intense the impact you are equipped with all that you need you are given the stealth to rise above to get in th...

The old one used to be "Be anxious for nothing" Ah! The power of scripture said over and over until it has sunk in until it attaches as if woven until it shimmers as if golden until it is ingrained in you until it brings you peace and is KNOWN by your heart and it becomes your TRUTH So my new one is" I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" "I am willing to be misunderstood" every time a thought comes over me reminding me of being judged or criticized or shunned I say it again and again to myself.... Like a calm from the center of me it ripples outward it severs the ties that taunt me that want to bind me to what holds me back the words over and over counteracting the pull of the negative a tug of war I know I am winning as I say it again ~C

Sometimes I write what I want to be said to me what I'd like to hear what I imagine to be true what I need or desire from you Sometimes I daydream I wonder if I'll ever... I imagine my forever and it's nice to see it on paper even if it never comes true, with you And sometimes I sing sing the songs that remind me repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me words conveying feelings that I have felt too, for you Sometimes I close my eyes and see you in my mind sleep and dream an adventure we may never have together but keep all the same close to my heart This concentration of my imagination, my voice, my pen that finds you... in everything ~C

You will do it when you are ready and not a second before and no single word no wisdom found will alter the timing will change how you're wound friendship is loving not judging while waiting to celebrate the moment when you realize you own it where you leap and your shown it I want to be here want to witness you walk in it even if I have to patient even if I have to wait, for your perfect time until, revelation until fruition, Oh my friend my dear friend you are worth it! ~C

Like a crack in your glass that is causing it to drip comes the awareness that something solid is now altered damaged and faltering something shifted off kilter off balance a finger with a splinter a bruise that doesn't hurt until I press it but I can see it see that I've recently bashed into something see that somethings amiss somethings askew and so I ask you... do you know yourself well enough to know that you know you're not right? to know that you're blue or two shades too chartreuse ? do you know when you are sad? when you are feeling slightly bad? when you feel it coming on throw a lifeline grab a song find encouragement talk with a friend have someone pray with you and come back again ~C

You are a giant and you've scooped me up little ol ' me up into your giant laced fingers you've caught me like I would catch a butterfly or a lightning bug but unlike me & the critters I catch you've no intention of letting me go again I am a prize you want to keep even if we will never connect in the conventional ways even if the life you make with me will never make sense or feel complete always a disconnect... fear keeps you holding on control, makes you hold on to me against my will and selfishness it robs you why all the while you call it gain little ol ' me I was never meant to fulfill big ol ' you was never meant to entertain you & keep you company at the expense of losing a life of my own where someone can hold me and with my own size eyes, look into my soul where I can lay my head on his chest and where a same sized heart is beating, softly evenly, for me YOUR heart is a massive drum! it keeps me awake it overwhelms the room like an earth quake....

The Amish Man was built for earlier days made to get up with the morning rays made to lie down with the setting sun... But, thrust into a modern world that makes him cling to his pillow curse at the sun stay up too late after the working is done surfing the net & calling his hon He's whacked out and tired ancient but wired burnt out and lifeless mentally when it used to always be physically he feels the contrast in his bones as he lives out the modern but dreams of home The simpler life with quiet and a breeze a field to harvest, an orchard of apple trees No technology distractions there to age him extra no routine to stick to he's at the mercy of the weather Here he is isolated cooped up controlled and unexcited this modern life holds him back and... the countryside is calling where his future lies unbridled ~C

The night before Easter I was having a hard time walking & crying feeling sorry for myself and knowing it wasn't exactly constructive but couldn't help it anyway I just feel like I do not belong anymore being divorced is hard and I know it doesn't have to be that with an awesome perspective and with hope and with faith I can make a way where there feels like there isn't one.... but in the midst of feeling all of that God brought my mind to Jesus and what He was going through the night before Easter How He must have felt it to be the hardest day of His life on earth where He felt the massive amount of the sins of the world where He was separated from God twice (just that must have left Him feeling so incredibly alone...) where He was hated and tortured and mocked and had people spitting in his face... that thought alone makes me want to cry I think if I lived back then I would have risked my whole life just to wipe off His face for Him but you know what God was show...

For in the darkest night there is a light that shatters it into a million shades of gray the closer you come to it and the gray bleeds into grayish white and the grayish white into a blinding sight of pure white that's the truth and the dark it cannot even get close it radiates out in a powerful way it has existed forever no diminishing today This little light of mine I'm gonna Oh I'm gonna let it shine from the inside out till all the blackish grey is out till nothing else you see but light shining out from me ~C

you are what you believe you are what you eat you are what you love you are what you hate you are what you think you are if you think it, it's true you are what you think you are you are what you do but really you just are so just practice *being* and the rest it will come to you ~C

I cannot try to live up to your expectations while also letting go to let Him live through me the 2 don't coincide they cannot habituate nor can I appreciate the clash and the pain that drives me insane when I try to mesh them when I try to thrash out might as well throw the trash out and live the way I was meant to thrive in the way I was designed no clash of the titans my will and my mind too must submit to the Higher the Great magnifier the One who knows me inside and out the One who can get to me in a way that transforms me in a way that renews me the way of the Only So why do I hesitate and try to alleviate the woes of this world with the false that only placates the stuff that only breeds hate the illusion that tries to mystify the high that buys a momentary fly on the wings of disillusionment why I fool myself that there will be more of it We know the answers deep inside and avoid them over and over again with pride be honest with you and admit you don't know admit that ...

You have an unlimited supply ya know you don't have to be so stingy they will not expire so you don't have to hoard them no need to store them so why don't you give them? Smile big smile bright It brings oxygen to your brain! they might be contagious and inspire greatness won't you experiment and smile today? Why be so serious when you could be delirious? Why be so down and wear that old frown? Life really is fleeting there are so many you could give away NOW won't you cheer up and let God fill your cup? The smiles are unlimited they come from within and His love is so overflowing you've got millions to give There is something about a smile it needs no words to convey love and acceptance to say so much So smile like a goon we'll have to go soon and you'll feel much happier knowing your smiles contributed to the growing ~C

Torn between two different in ways that cannot be compared the same in that they both obtain pieces of my heart worn out in trying to choose to justify one over the other and so THE MOMENT is lived and a different choice is made with each step never seeming to weigh enough in any one direction as if not making a definite decision opens the door to many more but in avoiding the illusion amidst the chaos I am wondering who is choosing what and who is choosing whom THE MOMENT has a life all its own a life that is not loyal to me either ~C

If you stay true to being you it has a way of leaving an impression you cannot be misconstrued or forgotten or mistaken for someone else recognized by your heart because you wore it on your sleeve for all to see how could they not know your heart like they know your eyes if you wear it that way? An open book no agenda no scheme you mean it and they feel it your grounded before you go it and all the advice in all the world isn't better than your spirit isn't better than His word living as part of you and when you know Him like that your gut will tell you even while your eyes are searching Your gut will know that you know that you ARE who you are and no amount of changes will change who you are supposed to be because to fight it is to BE not to not be YOU and you are purposed destined divinely appointed significant important and so SO loved just the way you ARE and He intends you for G R E A T N E S S not just "so~so" not just OK or mediocre YOU may choose that for your...

Have confidence in what you know to be true in who you are and what you are about do right by them by you and then let go of it Like letting go of a balloon that you may never see again because chances are even if you do see it again it won't be in the same shape you recognize and if you are meant to see it again, you will I promise you And...everything that comes together for your good doesn't need YOU to have that happen sometimes you can even get in the way of your own best walk in confidence sometimes time has a way of untangling the truth for you and distance becomes a breather a space created a distance that is needed to be able to see anything clearly with clarity do not fret or worry do not doubt yourself or your decisions but trust God for them in them through them and in a way you couldn't have imagined or constructed on your own He will divinely weave together the circumstances to show you you are cared for you are taken care of Circumstances and beautiful people...