waiting to understand

"good night" (pause) "good night" "that is one for Jesus, and one for you Mom" ~Skylar Mckenna Milby (5 & 1/2 years old)

Flesh says "I hate him" and God within you cries out "I forgave you, so forgive him" Flesh says "He hurt me shut him out!" and God softly whispers " Vengeance is mine, do not harden your heart sweet one" Flesh says "I can't do it anymore!" and God smiles and says "you are right YOU cannot, but EVERYTHING I can do in you as you!" Flesh says "I do not have what it takes, I'll never measure up" and God brims with tears as he looks you in the eyes and says "You precious precious child, you have no idea how very valuable you are to me!" Flesh says "There is nothing to live for!" and God laughs a little as He says "Everything shines with the hope I have in you my child!" Flesh says "I just give up, I'll stop trying already, I will never conquer my demons" and God simply says "Lies will keep you there dear one, but My truth shall set you free, only believe!" Fle...

(Of all the analogies for my walk with you you choose shaven legs....HA!) You know I like when they are I don't feel stubble against clean sheets then When my legs are smooth I don't feel a thing but comfy and clean but just a few days and I can feel a difference I feel the awareness remind me to take the steps to get back to the place where I am perfectly comfortable again (In you AS you Lord!) ( your word, your voice, your embrace) ~C

His ways are above our ways and I see this as God being my Dad in hiking boots towering above me because I am his little child and He holds a map and He is looking ahead as if determining which way WE should go.... and I am too little to see the map and somehow I know that even if I could see it that it would just be a bunch of lines to me a lot of colorful pictures that I cannot understand with my limited thinking my child's view of things.... but that is the point God has the map and HE knows and not only did He design the map he is holding He designed it just for me He mapped out the way for me to succeed long before I even needed it long before I even looked to Him to take me where I need to go It isn't my place to doubt Him or to climb His leg so that I can get a good look at my map that I cannot even decipher and it isn't cool to wring my hands and wonder if He even knows what He is doing He is my personal guide the One who designed the mountains the One who placed e...

The river that runs that sweeps you quickly down that sings against rocks that gurgles and never ever stops in the day it rages at night by moonlight on and on and forever can be counted on to do what rivers do to go where rivers will go to forge new ways if it sees fit and yet we cannot predict it a life of it's own with purpose so strong beaconing to you to hop on an inner tube and ride with it, "just jump on in!" ~C

No rulers to slap your knuckles bloody no belt to make you reform He convicts with love in a voice of compassion He shows you with revelation the pages that are torn no time outs that leave you crying with painful separation and isolation He comes to you quickly pricks the heart of the willing reminds us of His truth the stuff that gets MINDS renewed! no expulsion or dismissal you cannot be rejected no matter how rebellious or how far you run He's one step behind you you hide and He'll find you not to scorn Oh no but to hold you. ~C

Out of touch a slow pulling away that sneaks up that creeks as you tip toe away an awareness that's haunting an unspecific calling voice in the depths of your gut as you choose to turn away more persistent is the aching with a dull unspecific shaking that does not allow you to ignore so you turn in to face it and ask God to name it so you can once again feel His hand in yours A need for his still small voice a yearning for the fellowship a familiar embrace missed from the moment you were set adrift He wants you back always and He will get your attention in creative ways just stay spiritually aware, awake! He won't let you get too off track without making you aware that you are off track you know something is off and you come running back into those huge open arms of Love back into Grace abounding back into the light that refines and teaches as you sit at His feet in waiting. ~C

We want to feel justified in our actions, and in our choices but GOD is our justice the justice is his and hidden in it is the TRUTH He knows the truth, YOU know the truth, and it is all good! You do not have to defend yourself. Let him work it out, let HIM present this revelation to others even if it takes years to open someones eyes to your truth there will be purpose in it because it is HIS perfect timing! It all goes back to trust If you trust in his justice, that He is working all things to good If you trust that he has got your back If you trust that he knows exactly what he is doing then you will not feel the need, to go on and on about how you did not do it about how you did not mean it that way He knows your heart He knows their heart and HE will untangle everything! He does not need your help either....there is another jab to our pride! You just have to release the situation to Him and Trust that he's got it Let go my friend do not defend so much power in the surrender so...

Let me be the one to speak your truth I am willing to talk it , I am able Let me be the one to walk your talk I am willing to walk it, I am able Let me be the one to comfort, to cheer on I am willing to hug, to cheer, and I am able Let me be the one to give a leg up closer to you I am willing to lift them, I am able Let me be the one to pray it out with love I am willing to pray, I am able Let me be the one to be quiet when they need to talk I am willing to listen, I am able Let me be the one to convey what you would convey, to speak what you would speak, to love how you would love, to smile into the hearts of the hurting, to hold someone like you do when they are breaking, to lift someone up like you do in their sorrow to encourage them on their own journey like you love to, and to speak your truth over and over again until your revelation kicks in and meets with perfect timing to mend to renew and to transform! these individual precious lives each life weighing the same in your arms ...

Went to see a speaker tonight and he talked about how there is this spiritual buffet before us. We are so tempted to eat from all of it and stuff ourselves but instead we really should selectively choose just 2 or 3 things to eat because those suit us the best because we were designed to eat of specific things like a secret antidote that makes us invisible so we can truly walk with the Holy Spirit! I think sometimes in our lives we want the best of everything, we don't want to miss out on anything so we let our greedy soul hoard all we can carry but we were designed to excel in very specific ways we were all designed without a carbon copy we weren't meant or built to indulge in all the world has to offer nor were we designed to excel in every single spiritual gift they are offered up but with some we soar and with others we putter and rather than trying at everything and just doing OK He meant for us to focus on the strengths he planted within us He meant for us to grow in the...

fall back and I'll catch you watch and I'll amaze you believe and I'll prove it ask and I'll do it start and I'll walk with you every step it takes to the finish holding your hand ~C

Up up in the plane you go a new perspective from such a height butterflies and chills as you survey how far the fall is and the pack on your back a false sense of protection compared to your trust in God you're a fish out of water up here but you weren't meant to stay in the windy loud plane the whole experience requires much more of you because nothing is activated without the leap of faith! ~C

hope amidst pain like a burning flame like a banner high in a midnight sky you hear the flap and the wind as it snaps but it goes unseen blackness thick and haunting but the something is heard and felt with the heart as you wait for the morning to reveal an answer ~C

jelly fish strings tangled and burning around my heart painful with the clinging painful with the cutting and removing painful in the void and the attachment both so I am still and I wait to see what happens in the still small time between the sting and the nothing ~C

you may not believe in me or have the courage to but I know someone who does someone who never wavers who doesn't have doubts someone who loves me no matter what who cheers me on who wants me to win who schedules divine appointments to ensure my success who runs and runs to catch me if ever should I fall who wants to always be near me who delights if I return His calls yep, His name is Jesus He'll love me through and through and the very same Jesus is here wanting to love on YOU ~C

please don't put me in an emotional straight jacket don't tie me up with lies don't dangle promises before me like dead meat gathers flies the silence speaks the volumes that you don't and the strange space between where we were and now are grows please don't box me in a place where may be comfy for you without considering me it is cramped in here and I need to breathe I need sunshine even rain I'll even endure pain just don't put me back in that box again taking a step out side the lines feels strange like I am going out the window instead of the door to another place trying not to offend you trying to find a way that will not hurt you like I was hurt it is not about who did what it is about loving for the sake of loving for doing for the sake of doing for really thinking of and considering how what I do effects you I wish that all the choices I made never hurt the ones I care about could satisfy the masses so that I wouldn't have to feel crappy when I ...

If I avoid saying it does that make it any less true? and if you say it but then you don't pursue it is that true either? drawing out time may suit us for awhile but sometimes it feels like a slow death is time ever squandered if God can work with anything? It is as it should be but still hard as you are part of me My main concern is to treat others the same way I want them to treat me and for some reason I am still learning to treat ME like I want to treat ME Life is like a large set of stairs and sometimes when you are weary just looking at the endless steps makes you wonder if you will make it and other times God gives you all the energy in the world to fly up them and tonight I feel daunted with one new step a step away ~C

A cheater cheats himself A hater hates himself A player plays himself A lier lies to himself A doubter doubts himself A tease teases himself A manipulator manipulates himself A worrier worries himself and A hoper hopes A lover loves A peacemaker brings peace A patient person breeds patience A faithful one has faith A calm person brings calm because A reflection is a powerful thing an unmistakeable boomerang what we put out is what comes right back an amazing reason to stay on track with God's original plan for our lives instead of embracing so many lies His best never wavers His truth is what was and what IS what will BE so why fight that with a big human tantrum instead give your hand to him walk in peace think in peace go in peace ~C

Each of my friends is like a patch, colorful or subtle worn out or vibrant torn or soft relaxed or cozy.... and God weaves them all together and brings support and encouragement from them laughter and love through them challenges and adversities too but the sum of them forms a blanket that comforts me in all the hard times I am going through ~C

somewhere in between that leads to deciding wedged in a place at an angle that is causing my leg to fall asleep where my butt doesn't quite fit the seat when my equilibrium is outta whack the world seems upside down disenchanted disheartened and I wonder if it is just the state I am in or if the state I am normally in is keeping me from all that cooked spaghetti has all the flexibility and uncooked has none life was not meant to be lived in those extremes and I reminded of this when I eat Italian ~C

If you hide from yourself then you hide from others and we don't have to air all the dirty laundry but we also don't have to lurk in the shadows to present a polished presentation is to construct high scaffolding to fall from to crochet an elaborate lie is to lie to your very heart one intricate loop at a time everything we could ever do to others we have already done to ourselves the betrayal you feel and embrace becomes the loss that hounds you and seeks you when you are crying out to God The devil is always there to present the easier way to run from it, or throw yourself in it whatever faster way to get in deeper the way that was formed with cheap materials made up of parts that corrode quickly that peels paint to expose what it is really made of I got it cheap and I got it now (right when I wanted it) but it won't last it wasn't made to ~C

remove trying from your vocabulary trying is not doing trying is a word that buys time so you can keep NOT doing and doing is an action word if you cannot walk the talk and you can only talk it then it is HALF the testimony isn't it? Declare success over your life say what you know shout about who you already are in God embrace the fact that you have arrived you aren't trying to live you live you aren't trying to love you love you aren't trying to become you are Be forgiving of the process of emotion while you process the adversity while you fail at anything and prepare for the struggle while you aren't struggling so you can say, I knew I'd be here and I know I'll get through this with God and I know I will get out too and I was prepared I was sent into it trained to expect disorientation in situations that are foreign to me but it isn't even about my perception of those things not even the bullets flying God is looking out knowing before I know perceivi...

The more you compartmentalize these spaces in your soul and serve them accordingly the more masters you create the more mouths you have to feed how exhausting to pivot endlessly from one shady place to another sorting out choices that do not define you choices that keep you running that turn the mirror away so you are never facing what needs to be SEEN seen for what it is and identified as : of the world and heard, KNOWING that flesh is speaking saying what you need to hear to encourage you or condemning you to keep you there in that insane cycle that binds and distorts your every move EXPOSE yourself! Let all of you be KNOWN for what you are let them see what God sees you cannot hide it anyway and if you think you can it just adds to your struggle slash the ties that bind true peace is having the freedom to make awesome choices that FEED your spirit not freedom to steal from it not freedom to do things that haunt you and claw at you not freedom to prolong God's best for your life ...