waiting to understand

Like stepping out onto a ledge no rope to tie me to where I was no ceiling to hold me in Like stepping away from the past where I stayed because it was what I knew Because to step away like this would have felt scary then but now, it is scary yet time waited until I was numb about it too numb in a way that I can be objective where I am not bound or joined where leaping is less of a risk I have already lost so much on this ledge I dare not look back lest I loose my balance and yet the world is open out before me all around me with possibility where fear cannot rule where chance is erased by peace and knowing where my choices become crystal clear I am aware of everything even too much so and I scale back and pull a scarf around my neck a barrier between what was and what is I am aware I am alive neither wanting or regretting only standing, facing, wondering, waiting but knowing deep within me that even if God asks me to jump He's got me ~C

There is a negative voice inside your head you smile and it wants a frown instead it works on you to make you doubt it convinces you of things that make you pout it's main aim is to isolate you torment you with shame and pride it will bait you into thinking that all you deserve is the worst who are you to want more? you do not come first and actually this tid-bit is true but not in the way it is using it against you You were meant for giving you were meant to serve because in doing for others you cause a curve a boomerang of blessing occurs in helping your heart swells you feel right with the world and within this place you are purposed for good this is the other voice that's words are like food that builds you up in the best of ways and elevates your mood The voice that encourages you that stays if you ask it that fights for you too until you are past it those things that bind you that hold you back the house of your body never meant to be ...

I love to see how your artistic eye communicates what you see all that you can dream up in your noggin and put down in color and ink I can almost imagine what you were thinking and now I focus on how I feel when I stare at what you create and how grand to purchase a piece to take home to hang and enjoy the artistic gift that lives on after I have walked away with it under my arm ~C

Life is like a boomerang I am sure it is the way God designed it so that what you put out is what flings right back life gives to the giver it takes from the taker and not necessarily in the way we expect either you might be fine with your riches but be lacking in your emotional wealth and I have come to find that one helps you live in your mind and the other just provides covers how's "your way" workin out for ya? is it getting old...the same old same old? the predictable pain the familiar disappointment the broken record that only provides band aids of pleasure the cheap kind of band-aid that wears off in hours and you are always searching for a new box you go through them so fast.... how's that working for you holding everyone to such high standards everyone but you... sending out vibes of unforgiveness towards the ones you need it from most... not recognizing all the amazing things God presents to you bec...

In the scripture Mark 11:24 NKJV where God says, “ Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them” I think we take that in and expect something physical. We expect to get something tangible in the process, but I think God is bigger than that. He doesn't think like we do. He knows that transforming our mind is more powerful than winning the lotto. Spiritual riches outweigh physical riches so much so, that if we knew just how much, we would only seek to gather the spiritual ones. But gaining those spiritual riches are not always comfortable for us in the physical sense, so we instead seek the things of this world that DO comfort us.....comfort for our bodies, and for our minds.....because even if it is just for a short time, that seems like an oasis to us in our complicated drama filled lives. It goes back to what control we FEEL that we have, and wanting to grasp onto that f...

You don't have to sell you if you are being you If you are selling something you're implying it has to be sold the person has to be convinced... If you just BE, you sell yourself automatically without selling you at all They love you for being you you give off the vibe that you are content with you and it attracts people they can feel you mean it that it is effortless no effort no fear no worry being you brings more then if you ever tried then if you ever marketed WHY they should love you ~C

I gather people into my boat I feel understood by them or think that I understand them and I adopt them into my healthy surroundings where I am spurred on lifted up ENCOURAGED to be the woman God meant for me to be Select the few that will see you through that will stand with you when the going gets tough that won't let you quit but also tell you when to let go people who will let you cry and then tell you it is OK to cry and then remind you that there is a time for mourning but a time for rejoicing too and that is what you have to look forward to People who speak life and hope people who behold you in love and know you know your patterns and your funks and know when to stay & know when to go who pray for you whether they tell you or not and always want the very best for you who give you a leg up when you don't feel you have one to stand on anymore Less like friends more like family and so we'll call the...

walking crying lost inside wishing I was lost outside too so I didn't have to go back cannot stand to be shunned or beheld with disdain scrutinized criticized you are not my friend friends do not say the things you do they say truth in love they don't hate the very things that make you, YOU I feel torn down rejected once again why do you spend any time with me at all if who I am repels you if who I am annoys you I don't belong here I don't belong anywhere this in between life after divorce still walking 2 miles 3 miles I have on the wrong shoes stood up and just started walking so I wouldn't cry for an audience 1/2 a mile in I see a rabbit then 2 miles later another and not until I saw the third at the end of my walk did it come together for me the Trinity watching over me the night before Easter as I walked as ...

Media shmedia I rather eat dirt then listen to your sherbert your rainbow creation of shock value and inflation of lies and of horror why do I have to weed through? it's torture its depressing it's sad and yeah maybe it's reality but it weighs me down bad and I cannot just shake it and call it a day after media has infested my mind in that way I won't believe what you want me to take in as gospel I won't make decisions based on your hostile distortions of "truth" on the facts of today I remember what I learned in school the lessons they no longer teach today so chances are someday soon you'll be changing your tune and just to keep track drives me crazy so much information and so hazy so lacking & shocking your boat won't be docking at my mind today ~C

the volume is slowly being turned up stress overtaking obvious need for breaking away from the norm into quietness to recoup a time out for the mommy to breath slowly to think only of soothing things that comfort of what is right of what is good time slows and swirls and whispers "it's ok" as I regret losing my cool and having a sharpness to my tone all of me pleading for some time alone to gather myself up to toss myself into the laundry and end up warm and fresh and reeking of Bounce Ahhhh ok, I am ready again to be the mom ready to be patient and kind no more shouts ~C

you are the silver lining in a sky so gray the smile and hug that greets me after a long hard day you are the optimistic that charms me with your half full glass you help me chase away my worries help the bad times quickly pass through years and tears you've given me the hope I did not have by showing me your consistant love your compassion like a salve ~ C

You want to hear happy you want me to never stop smiling it is the me that you need me to be but I get sad too and I need you to cheer me like I cheer you to lift me up and turn me toward sunshine to point out the blessings and direct me away from the mud I know I seem to have no worries and so maybe you come to depend on that but I am human after all on my own rocky journey learning and falling struggling and calling, out to God in my darkest day wondering aloud why things have to be this way and then once out of my system I can reboot and listen for His next brilliant direction with your encouragement we all make a selection of the armor and the smiles we will choose to wear to face another day to show others we will bare the things that Do happen, the spills along the way but we have each other and hope, and each day I'll choose to try harder to resist what steals to avoid the pit falls to ride the rails into a br...

This time in life where I look back in appreciation of my youth and where I do not yet feel old where I notice wrinkles where I can not stay up as late as I used to or sit on the floor and scrap book all night a place where I find myself starting over from the middle and you know your life isn't even half lived but innocence is so far away now and the cards are on the table you are aware of loss and of hurt and of pain you are aware that your life will not be a fairy tale but you are free of that now too, that belief that kept leaving you shocked and disappointed you can move forward and expect the unconventional best the unknown can be scary and yet fascinating, satisfying not your dream, but God's dream for you the more I let go the more I can trust God the more I embrace the adventure and make peace with the struggle that came with being in a better place the better I feel the better I am and the future instead of daunting is teaching me that it i...

Eternally waiting for me to say what for me to do what what is the key that you think will unlock it that will trigger or knock it or pick it or unearth it will produce it or poof! you're waiting for something I feel it I peel it a long rind that is winding that is swirling down and I am finding that the feeling is like a pregnancy an unspoken expectation that is haunting me that is hovering forever leaving messages on answering machines that no one is checking that just sit there blinking until the box is full and that is worse the box is full there are no options to voice it no more space for your questions for your reaching out so you keep waiting for that poof moment while the air hangs big and pregnant over you like a grey cloud and it hovers over me too while I watch you waiting wanting to run just to not feel it or feel that grey cloud hovering and wanting but never knowing when to act ~C

Longer deeper wider the road I'm on this time this dawn this paper moon that teases me this illumination I cannot see this other chapter where it gets exciting this amazing book I can't stop writing This wonder never satisfied these arms filled and holding someone warm, a love inviting fulfilling never biting never a cold that stings that takes away a night that quickly extinguishes day merciful of only me so I don't have to face it even for a night so I can sleep Don't wake it this sorrowful song within my soul playing on in my dreams don't shake it these trees about to give in to fall the moment where they lose it all the music swells and violins rise to convey the extent of the loss...the lie to stay here is to be in too deep treading and tiring the time is steep with pressure, decisions will be made all is altered but I am not dismayed change is surreal and can be changed in a whim dream on the chime will sound in the en...

The attention of some but I know it isn't you feel I'll know you when you get here when I come undone when I feel alive again pause a frozen frame a waiting game although the merry-go-round never stops though the shoe just never drops though my heart's an open sore and I've never been here before so I wait and I wonder and I walk the talk automatic pilot of a paper airplane in a voracious wind that whips the waves and drives the rain tossed and drained from resisting from twisting and turning back to see if you cared enough to follow me but turning back just gets me salt the sun and its rays make me look ahead for that something new for that brand new you that you I don't know don't cha know I've been waiting for you knowing you'd only get here when I stopped lookin back when I stopped tripping up stopped doubting my lack ~C

The measurement can't be determined the distance between you & me when you can reach out to touch me but you don't we might as well be miles apart and the last time you did you were you and I was me now, who are we? That was so long ago and this is now uncharted undetermined... Your plane has been delayed so get cozy in the terminal where your good time depends on what's in your head and your heart will discover what really is dead Quieted you can listen you can feel a passion put out smothered and covered under layers of promises broken under a woolen blanket of reality I am waiting for something standing on a platform without a schedule hoping for nothing just looking numb and spaced out eyes set on the blue sky with empty in my heart a fire gone out smoking ~C