now and then and what will be

This time in life
where I look back in appreciation of my youth
and where I do not yet feel old
where I notice wrinkles
where I can not stay up as late as I used to
or sit on the floor and scrap book all night
a place where I find myself starting over
from the middle
and you know your life isn't even half lived
but innocence is so far away now
and the cards are on the table
you are aware of loss
and of hurt
and of pain
you are aware that your life will not be a fairy tale
but you are free of that now too,
that belief that kept leaving you shocked and disappointed
you can move forward and expect the unconventional best
the unknown can be scary
and yet fascinating, satisfying
not your dream, but God's dream for you
the more I let go
the more I can trust God
the more I embrace the adventure
and make peace with the struggle that came with being in a better place
the better I feel
the better I am
and the future instead of daunting
is teaching me that it is amazing
and mostly
because it is a surprise

~C

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

and he wonders

from the backseat I hear a little voice ask "Mommy what is your name?" It is so neat that he wonders this out of the blue... "Christie" I say "Oh, Christie, I like that name" "Thanks Bud, I like your name too!" "Daddy and I got to pick your name!" So for the first time this little man who is so grown up already says my name calls me something other than Mommy and the significance of that hangs in the air my baby becomes a boy in that moment. ~C
Read more

Gut Feeling

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio
Read more

finding you in everything

Sometimes I write what I want to be said to me what I'd like to hear what I imagine to be true what I need or desire from you Sometimes I daydream I wonder if I'll ever... I imagine my forever and it's nice to see it on paper even if it never comes true, with you And sometimes I sing sing the songs that remind me repeat the lyrics that tend to haunt me words conveying feelings that I have felt too, for you Sometimes I close my eyes and see you in my mind sleep and dream an adventure we may never have together but keep all the same close to my heart This concentration of my imagination, my voice, my pen that finds you... in everything ~C
Read more