waiting to understand

I am realizing that everyone I know.... their lives are their own saga filled with more drama then I once imagined people even had each story winds and twists with romance and tragedy loss and betrayal , death and passion, struggle and hope. Why did I not expect to notice this or imagine my life could be ordinary like an episode of little house on the prairie where little struggles magnified the uncomplicated family bond solidified the values and love. I wish I understood, part of me cannot grasp why when even you have an uncomplicated love to give the world complicates all around it challenging it maybe even getting so used to it that it loses it's luster like an old pair of good shoes. I know that there is purpose in the struggle I know that God takes it and shapes it into triumph I know that even when it seems your patience with the growth process is on the verge of falling away God has more strength for you because if He says wait and then He says go... He will release you into...

I don't want to be your muse only an inspiration something shiny that you take from your pocket to look over time to time and I do not want to feel dusty because I have been tucked away or humored so that I will stay to be a convenience to feel kept is to feel caged even titles cannot assure anything signatures mean nothing jaded by loss and trust loss in the faltering part of me in ruins waiting for something I cannot identify hoping for something I've never known this flesh pulls at me when I am not looking it mocks me when there are no clear answers and the water is murky where is the bottom? How far down? I sit by the edge of the water and I will the water to clear I narrow my stare as if that will do it a deep part of me wanting to take charge of something organic control something wild and vague for if just a moment so I can feel what it is to have it in my hands and then what? and then what.... the constant of shift and change the illusive ways of love and of what it is...

the unknown lurks in shadows hiding and it gets the best of me because I do not know and what I do not know is left to imagination and OH can I imagine... our best attributes also being our worst like balancing on a very thin beam high up in a storm lightning in the distance and rain in my eyes feeling unstable and on the verge of slipping and yet mostly I am strong and calm and knowing that even the unknown cannot hurt me even the worst imaginings cannot dampen my heart so I put away the wonder and I stop calculating the loss and I give that all to God because we choose how we are going to live how we will approach everything and how we will take every step (even into a dark alley way) and all we enter into goes with us all we enter into becomes a part every choice becomes who we are either drawing us in or drawing us out stay in the light stay very close to the truth declare out loud what you mean but go if you have already gone and look me in the eyes as you leave ~C

wandering rose in the forest not isolated in a garden not set apart unprotected here weaving and winding with weeds with other varieties with thorns more menacing than your own deep in the forest in darkness much of your life is spent but the light filters in when it is needed allowing you to bloom to persevere to fight in this different environment one you were born into and then taken out of so that when you do go back it feels foreign now you feel removed uncomfortable like the outsider are you too good for it now? or can you adapt? you wandering rose wandering back into that wild life but changed from when you were first taken out so when you go back you are stronger you know where you came from you know your purpose you will shine your new light in a dark Forrest you will be a flood of red blooms to a sea of green and your presence will make such a stark difference among all of those plants so unlike you as you wander and cover and spread goodness over this world. ~C

So 17th century as if seated on the lawn before a sprawling estate of green and you adjust your tights with a huge laugh as you turn the page reading and pondering and wondering aloud I can see your wheels turning as you move the pieces to suit your new found idea and the light that escapes you as your ah ha moment evolves makes me smile Your discovery is my joy your wounding abandoned my prayer to think I get to watch you change and just BE at this very moment in your life that I can think and wonder WITH you If this is chewing fat then I like it I love talking & learning Love reading & discerning and it all spills into writing! stay open and wild at heart ever keeping your eye on Him and life will flash by adventures had and adventures past and then some far off day in the future I will be there to pray with you about something new to hold your hand to speak life into you. ~C

Your love is like dolphin sightings something I remember vividly and enjoying every time but sometimes I forget to look for it now but other times, too obvious to miss and it is always such a good feeling when it surfaces always a highlight that brings you to the very forefront of my mind and although I am not swimming right beside you looking you in the eyes I am on the beach walking looking, watching, waiting for the next time I get to see you again parallel lives intertwined by memories and time for always ~C

Do you know how some people have common sense and others do not? Maybe they are book smart but not street smart...all these qualities transfer over into the spiritual too. Some people are "by the book" meaning the bible in the literal sense, and some people are more reliant on the lead of the Holy Spirit. Some spiritual in-tune people have spiritual common sense and some do not. Do not be discouraged if you feel you do not have spiritual common sense. I think it is something you can tap into, to train yourself at, unlike regular common sense I don't think it is something you HAVE or DO NOT HAVE. The importance of being in tune...of defaulting to the Truth at any given time, to recognize where you are spiritually and where you WANT to be or rather where you are headed, is all a part of it. So is being aware of others and being aware of how you let them effect you and how you in turn effect them. I would describe being spiritual aware as being fully awake, or fully alive...

Do we?? I think that we would do things a little different if we really put our trust in God. We would talk a different talk....full of His promises and Hope. we would walk a different walk, full of the confidence that comes in knowing He's got you. we would embrace the world in a way that would say " I BELIEVE!" even without actually saying it. we would be peaceful and calm forever surrendering and offering up our lives willingly like investing in a child and knowing that we are giving what is not ours to further something greater a sacrifice because we deeply understand the bigger picture a commitment of understanding, YES! and we would convey endless compassion because we would be free of all the things we used to think God could not handle... confidently remembering that he is constantly working all things in our lives to GOOD we would sing a new song every morning and look forward to each new task God had for us we would throw ourselves into our relationships whole h...

or preventing you from leaving, of going instead, it is realizing that I am the one who fights for love who remains in that love I am the one who stays and in staying, I prove to myself that it can be done that there are people who stay there are people who fight, even in circumstances that seem murky in situations that seem hopeless in the face of rejection and abandonment you close your eyes as if it is only the too bright sun making you do that and you let the heat warm something in you and you do not allow it to burn you because it is all in your perspective all the possibility or impossibility it lives or dies with you... in your choices in your approach with your flourishing faith or in your withering lack of it you propel yourself into motion or you tether yourself to your weighty baggage so when I see your back leaving I choose instead to dwell on how well I know your hairline or the smooth skin of your neck or I focus on the way you walk and dwell on how comforting it is to kn...

What am I supposed to do with that? It makes me feel like crap. Like I fell out of some good graces, like I blew it! It makes me feel like I was put in a box of expectation and then I was being careless and ripped the box somehow and you are there shaking your head at me with a tisk tisk . This isn't about living up to your expectations, I am living for God, and He loves me no matter what. He does not say...I expected something better from you Christie. He runs up to meet me where I am and he understands my wounds and He just loves me. It is so wild that our defensiveness, our assumptions, our expectations end up wounding the ones we love. All protective measures that keep people out. That do not help but hinder us in relationship. I just want to love and draw so close to God that He is able to work through me so clearly that you do not see anyone but Him in me. I do not like this feeling of tension. I am not a fan of drama and like I said, I find myself just drawing back. Not wan...

wow God, to know that your hope is in ME is amazing. I always seem to think of it as YOU giving me hope. but the scripture speaks both only now am I able to let the other sink it in. That speaks volumes because it says that you invest in us that you believe and have confidence in us choosing YOU that despite how wishy- washy or changing we may be you still HOPE in us you are our light at the end of the tunnel but we are yours! without us to be your hands and your feet you do not have hands and feet in this world! what an honor to play a part in the elaborate goodness You designed from the beginning what a privilege to lift someone up and pray for them and know that you are right there in it may I have your eyes to see more and more your heart to heal and speak truth and love into peoples lives to be the conduit to your great work I am so in awe that you placed me here and that it was no accident not the time, nor the place, not even my circumstances because you can use them all my str...

Oh little one, you went on and on today about the little beetle you found struggling in the pool. You rescued her and named her Beauty. Then quickly informed me that she was now a boy. Okie dokie ! You went on and on about Beauty.... how she loved the grass you gave her and how you were petting her butt, Mama want to pet her butt? You mean her back? I think that is the beetles back... Then you showed me how she was hiding her head under a part of a leaf you informed me she requested to be read to and that she wanted to hear a song and you did both You told Daddy she was going to sleep in your room and I will admit I cringed you wanted me to pet her again while I was eating crudite and Auntie Carol exclaimed "she is eating!" and then very swiftly it seemed Beauty was not moving and she somehow got squished because "stuff" was coming out of her body... so you buried her in the yard and said a little prayer and that is all she wrote about Beauty. ~C

Some people cringe at that. No accidents, that everything happens for a reason.... When real tragedy strikes, it tends to sting. If we believe the promise that God works everything to GOOD for those that love him though, then we can trust that He uses EVERYTHING, every aspect and crumb or our life toward our ultimate purpose so that we can be what we were destined to be in Him. At a bible study recently, Julie brought to light that God knew us before we even existed, God saw every one of us in that bible study on that night, speaking into each others hearts, lifting each other up and sharing our intimate stories. There is no accident that we were there and even that certain people couldn't make it and were not there that night. When we acknowledge that truth, it is awe inspiring. You become reverent to every little interaction, every choice becomes important, every outing an adventure. It is no coincidence that you haven't seen Mary in a year and then you see her at the groce...

Are you aware of right now? The beauty of it? Aware that tomorrow your kids are one day older and so are you, that everything is constantly shifting and changing.... your surroundings, your relationships, your circumstances.... They are constantly in motion. Funny, but because our lives are constantly in motion, we feel we have to be. We are the kings and queens of multi-tasking, we are texting while driving, a slave to our cell phones and we are thinking of what we are going to say right in the middle of what you are saying.... let's get on with it! Let's MOVE! Let's GO! Even if we don't know where that is and our steps are crippled by our experiences and emotions... we will just drag the weight of them and strain to just get out of here! In actuality we should be in slow motion, taking it all in, reveling in how wonderful it is right now. We may never have tomorrow and that doesn't have to be deep or morbid, it is the simple truth. We hear songs that say we should...

We have difficulty with things being too simple heaven forbid we not DO something to help, change, or control our situation. We willingly put on a straight jacket, and then struggle in it. more comfortable with the fight, because it is all we have ever known.... and yet God is saying..."look, I did the work so you don't have to...I wore the straight jacket, and I struggled in it out of necessity, to FREE YOU....I did it specifically for YOU, as a gift. Struggle if you must but it is not My idea, My idea is for you to live FREE now...MIND, BODY, SPIRIT...you are not shackled to anything that you do not want to be shackled to, in fact the shackles you see are a hologram of your own making, something you manifest out of your own unawareness. Oh how I love you and I do not want you to have to go through something I already handled and finished...but if you feel you must, then I will wait patiently forever. I will love you right here, and I have such compassion for you and this rea...

You won't always be able to make sense of it. I wish someone had told me that growing up, You cannot sort or categorize everything and you don't have to have a title to feel alright you can be totally out of control and that can be good sometimes God cannot work in the lives of control freaks and they keep Him out with a big gun because it is more comfortable to be driving their own car I wish someone would have told me how mysterious the Holy Spirit is that He has a sense of humor that He is the most patient person you'll ever meet He'll even wait while you try it YOUR way and fall flat on your face "now, could you try it my way?" he asks sweetly... and you can even say "no", and He'll wait patiently for the chance to ask you again. I wish someone had told me that love is the most complicated thing like a lock with many many keys to try in it like a shifting morphing thing that is the same time rock solid that it can be broken into a thousand pi...

I got a request recently from a friend to do a book about my Mom. I am inspired! I am picturing it like a small scrapbook of memories, with photos and personal accounts of how my Mom touched peoples lives. I know God will use my talents to arrange it in such a way that it will be artistic and original...honorable. It is so amazing that this request comes just past the 12t h anniversary of my Mom going to heaven....I am so touched and in awe at the impact she had on the people in her world. How she made such a distinct impression and how her influence stays and comforts people long after she left this earth. I have a feeling that this project contains healing for me. That there is grief down deep that I haven't allowed to surface . A loss of someone who was so concrete to my fabric of being...a person I assumed would be a permanent fixture in my life....my Mom's presence. I have described it as losing an arm. Or having the rug ripped out from under you. To lose someone that I d...

For every bus filled with kids there is a bus driver who drives them where trust is assumed where safety is mandatory and the routine becomes automatic every school morning of every school day and the routine infused with unspoken trust defines a childhood enables them to get to a place of learning a mode of transportation that leads to something else that enables something else to happen to unfold in the little lives of children every school morning of every school day ~C

I feel like I shouldn't write when I am feeling numb or discouraged. and yet it is how I feel. Overwhelmed with reality I feel like dodging it and avoiding it. People are used to seeing a light in me so i feel compelled to give them light... and yet sometimes it is so dim in here. I feel like there is no music, and even if I had all the instruments I couldn't play them. Even if it was a matter of just turning on the radio I wouldn't have the energy to. I feel weighed down and discouraged by life somedays.... like everyone is exposing something jaded in their own personal way. Some crack in the thing I believed to be solid, some disappointing fact that is supposed to enlighten me and make me face the truth and yet it just makes me feel sad and empty. As if there is nothing to count on and bad people are capeable of being bad forever and dealing with the same old crap will never get better.... no matter how many ways I creatively approach it. Crap is crap even if i sculpt it ...

Jesus was "the bigger person" He sure knew how to "suck it up" and when I think of all he took I shutter and I wish could actually grasp the effect He had that keeps reaching out today the statement His life made that keeps funding the glory in our hearts I wish I could be more like him but I vacilate from day to day I struggle with this flesh to "turn the other cheek" is harder than I thought and to love while someone is spitting in my face almost impossible but You do it through me God You see the sin but acknowledge how You love the sinner instead and I marvel at You working through me embracing them in a way that I never could a hug instead of a punch in the face the contrast of that is insane it is You coming through in the times filled with drama you turn off the soap opera and you say shhhhh be still I will show you I will be if you let me I will work if you allow me to and he knocks every day and we have a choice to open our hearts and to listen to...

tossed in a sea of ego and need of agendas and self where everyone needs something grappling and clawing needed NOW, yesterday even better at any cost even satisfied at someone e lse's expense selfish and absorbed your bubble bumping into mine never merging, becoming one just touching for a moment while you dump out your garbage and it seeps into my bubble all that you struggle with that manifests as wounding that communicates things you never say that conveys where your heart is where it is darkened and I listen and I understand but in a detached way I am numb and it all runs together bubbles tossing in the wind waves crashing into each other in the sea not merging , but displacing others unaware insensitive effecting ~C

What kind are you sending out into the world?? It is amazing how satan works....how it all starts with a simple thought and then tumbles into an idea of ourselves and then effects our mood and then our mood effects others and so on. He needles us with our worst fears, annoyances, doubts, and tries to magnify what we are most self conscious about. He will use any person, situation, fall or stumble to trip us up and send us 3 steps back...He will use rejection, abandonment, and even silence and isolation to torment us. Learning to combat his attacks takes discipline and spiritual awareness....and just like anything you do consistently , any habit that you create....it will get easier and easier the more you do it until it is like second nature. Hopefully the habits we cultivate are healthy ones! Even better a spiritually healthy habit.... A God inspired habit that you will grow in while practicing. It is so powerful to realize something for what it really is and face it head on. For in...

Wow...You spoke to my heart today about the rejection I have experienced in my life God. You showed me how it is connected to initiating things in my life...Initiating planning for things or initiating get- togethers with friends, even initiating sex. You showed me how if I do not initiate, then I cannot be turned down, and if I cannot be turned down...it will not lead to rejection. Then you took me back to being married and reminded me of the times I had initiated sex and was turned down....ouch that wounded me, and then you showed me how I took a step back, almost unconsciously and resigned to waiting until I was pursued, I told myself that the only control I had was my "yes". I became very good at saying yes, and I stopped initiating. In this way I would protect myself from rejection and I would protect my sensitive heart. I also set myself up to be content with waiting, and less prone to action....and although this waiting attribute can be a good thing like with having p...