Not a matter of getting you to stay

or preventing you from leaving,

of going

instead, it is realizing that I am the one who fights for love

who remains in that love

I am the one who stays

and in staying,

I prove to myself that it can be done

that there are people who stay

there are people who fight, even in circumstances that seem murky

in situations that seem hopeless

in the face of rejection and abandonment you close your eyes

as if it is only the too bright sun making you do that

and you let the heat warm something in you

and you do not allow it to burn you

because it is all in your perspective

all the possibility or impossibility

it lives or dies with you...

in your choices

in your approach

with your flourishing faith

or in your withering lack of it

you propel yourself into motion

or you tether yourself to your weighty baggage

so when I see your back leaving

I choose instead to dwell on how well I know your hairline

or the smooth skin of your neck

or I focus on the way you walk

and dwell on how comforting it is to know that walk so very well

and when I look back I have a choice to selectively weed out all the good

or all the bad

What do I WANT to remember?

what do I WANT to dwell on and magnify??

If I can let go of the hurt and focus on the love

if I can tune into the present

and just let the past be what it was

then it becomes its own thing, with its own story...

but today is a new chapter

and chapter 5 isn't a part of chapter 4,

it is a new thing...

it may have been launched from, but is not connected to, the chapter before it.

that even though chapter 5 could not exist without chapter 4, it is not DEFINED by it.

the possibilities are endless in the NEW!

So how freeing to realize that I have been the hope that I wanted so badly from the men in my life!

I have uncovered a deep truth

that love does not die if you do not let it

especially if you cannot let it, cannot stand to let it fade

such a good sweet thing

do not throw the babe out with the bath water

do not grow weary in the face of adversity

do not turn your back on , what you deep down KNOW to be true

in your heart of hearts

and stop trying to figure it out

you cannot analyze your way into what to do

you do not know best

you never will

that is God's work

and only He can show you.

Thank you God for teaching me in the laundry room,

or while I blow dry my hair,

or in the shower

when my mind is quiet and open....

You are in every moment

just waiting for me to tune in

so you can show me something new

or inspire me to take some new approach

and tonight

you identified something so deep

a realization that I can BE the change I want to see in this world

in my world

in my love

you are so very good to me Father.

So gentle and always searching out places in me

reminding me to look in

deeper and deeper

clean out closets

hidden compartments full of cobwebs

places I have forgotten

the attic of memories that are covered in dust

that I have kept thinking I would need again

and they have only waited there until the moment I could decide to part with them

knowing they are out of date

or broken

or rotten now....

I am here

I am now

and I am with YOU God

awaiting the next best thing You have for my life.

~C