Honestly, not something I expected from you

What am I supposed to do with that?

It makes me feel like crap.

Like I fell out of some good graces, like I blew it!

It makes me feel like I was put in a box of expectation and then I was being careless and ripped the box somehow and you are there shaking your head at me with a tisk tisk.

This isn't about living up to your expectations,

I am living for God, and He loves me no matter what.

He does not say...I expected something better from you Christie.

He runs up to meet me where I am and he understands my wounds and He just loves me.

It is so wild that our defensiveness, our assumptions, our expectations end up wounding the ones we love. All protective measures that keep people out. That do not help but hinder us in relationship.

I just want to love and draw so close to God that He is able to work through me so clearly that you do not see anyone but Him in me.

I do not like this feeling of tension. I am not a fan of drama and like I said, I find myself just drawing back. Not wanting more of the same. I know it is my flesh to feel uncomfortable.

I identify that I do not like to be judged or put under a magnifying glass.....

There seems to be a theme lately, of people who throw a mix at me....Positive, then negative, then positive....Spiritual, then flesh, then spiritual...

I really began to count on consistency in the spiritual, I was thinking that because some people were closer and more in tune with God that they wouldn't confuse me.

Humans are human.

wow that was brilliant...

but seriously I think that you have to really remember that people screw up and stumble and trip and fall....ALL THE TIME.

No one can be put on a pedestal at any time because it just becomes a higher place to fall from. Your actually doing them an injustice, because if they do fall, it will be messy for sure.

God I do not want to be one of those people who can only hear or feel GOOD things or else they cannot cope. I know darn well that life is chock full of adversity. That I will hear and see things that will disappoint, crush, scar and wound me. I know because I already have experienced those things. Give me the will to fight and stand tall and not run and hide. My instinct is to just cut it off. I will say that discerning is huge and is complicated at times, more complicated than I imagined. I know that you give me discernment but I need to know how to separate the things that complicate from the truth. How do you respect someone and disagree? How do you honor and say NO. How do you share what you see without being or coming across as judgemental? Ha ha You are telling me now, that if it is of YOU it will not come across that way...and if it is convicting because it is of You then it will come to edify but not to tear down.

I am fully aware that a meeting of spiritual minds can stir up many things. I can see how darkness freaks when light is drawn together to form a powerful laser, where people are being lifted up and edified. I can see how satan would use pride and jealousy, expectation, power struggle, feeling dishonored, authority, etc. to twist and manipulate and take away from that power....He is on overdrive Lord and I pray against that right now in Jesus name!

Guide me through this time where I feel like I am not equipped. Lift me up and steady me where I am faltering. I am not justifying my fleshy position, my position is yours God....but I struggle with a fight for what is right, instead of rightfully stating truth calmly, which I know is how you would handle it. So come right in Lord.....Come on in to this situation and expose it with all your bright beautiful light so everything is identified for what it is.

Love you, trust you, with you God.

~C