waiting to understand

Why do I feel the need to defend myself so much? Explain and elaborate and strain to be understood? I know who I am I know what I want and I know what I stand for... Why am I so afraid of being the bad guy? Of being portrayed as an underachiever or an overachiever or a bitch? keep my BOUNDARIES and have the guts to tell someone to BACK OFF! I'm getting there still learning to remain quiet while being confident in who I am ~C

There's an invisable key around my neck that materalizes when you walk back into my life the key unlocks a lockbox stored away in the bank of my heart a place reserved with a love I have for only you and when you go it feels like breaking a withdrawing that always takes time and so I lock up the love and put the box back and I put the key back and I am left wondering.... ~C

What is it about special occasions that bring everything into the bright light? Like at my cousin's wedding when she dedicated that song , that I meant to dedicate to my Mom at my wedding, and never did get to, and now my Mom's in heaven... and this dedicated song years later has me and my Brother, and his wife and my aunt and who ever else bawling...tears flying.... bright light illuminating her absence... and here comes Thanksgiving...que the SPOT LIGHT and it is the first BIG holiday for me to face after being divorced... and I don't feel like I belong anywhere, and it just makes me miss my Mom. Because I knew I belonged where ever she was. So many sweet invitations from friends and family to go on my own to places and celebrate with them, and leave this holiday to Bri to be with the kids... In reality we are going to have to start taking turns with the holidays right?? Otherwise it is unhealthy or strange to celebrate with his family as if nothing has changed?? Is it? ...

I love that saying. I realize that my reality starts with me...it's all in how I take it all in, how I perceive the world. How I grow and change, what I put into my head and even what I choose to take out. Who I am to the people in my life...every interaction, a chance for God to work through me... and I want to get it right! I know it is a process, and I know I will stumble and fall endlessly but it is in the striving to get it right, that I will get it right sometimes! It is our willingness to take it on, our determination to be what we say we want to be! It is so obvious how we effect others, as if an experiment, I want you to start to notice how people react to you, listen to the feed back they give you in words or even with body language... I am amazed at how the more I give of myself, so much more do I receive... encouragement and praise and so much love. Getting it back is so rewarding and addicting! I just want to give more to get more! Like anything that grows, so has my s...

Hello God...I see you are checking in that you have found a new way to remind me of your love! That you are here to encourage me and give me the strength I need to do anything and everything, that you will show me which way to go if only I ask you! When I happen to see the time 1:11 now, I take a moment to reflect on what I mean to you and then to reflect on what you mean to me and I am so thankful and so grateful too, that you have found a new way to remind me so often, to check in just to say that you love me. I love you too! ~C

(A letter I wrote to a friend, 03/05/2004) I know the whole reason we are on this earth is to stretch these images of who we are. Like a big plastic girdle that jabs into our ribs and digs into our gut...and what you are saying is that I have adapted to the contraption. I don't shift it and pull at it like most people do right? But what if I just think discomfort is overrated ? Either I am selling myself short by saying that, or I have shifted my focus to what I can live with right now. I know, I know, just another way of being complacent! Redundancy! Ya know that song by Jewel that goes " Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive"? Well that's not me, but some days I realize that I am sitting very close to that out of necessity. It is partially because of this warped sense of reality brought on by losing my Mom. Death is so final. Having my Mom in my life was like having an elaborate colorful cozy rug, fluffy and soft beneath my feet. Her death was like...

Jesus drives a taxi I've seen Him It's true He'll pick you up when you need a ride you can hail him he'll come through he'll get you there fastest he knows the city like he knows you he's just happy to drive you if your willing to ride just hop in & enjoy the view! ~C

Swing High into the sky back again feet brush the sand ~C (p.s I wrote this in '93 I think... my Mom kept it on her desk, she loved it)

Green green grass against a gray gray sky reflected into your blue blue eyes with a red red bird in a white birch tree with so much love in a pink pink me ~C

Not as I planned but what is? Not what I want but better yet Not what I dreamed but it'll do Not as I say Not as I do Not what counts but what matters Not what kills but renews Not what's expected but is best Not as I say Not as I do Not what feels good but what fills you Not what robs but restores Not what hurts but is sweet to my ears Not as I say Not as I do It isn't about me Lord, it's about YOU. ~C

you are in a symphony of violins in a flash memory of you hysterically laughing head thrown back neck all red YOU WERE SO GOOD you still are so easy to miss peppermints and stimudents and tootsie roll pops in your purse glasses to read and Earl Gray Tea... but mostly, long hugs that communicated volumes and glances that let me know you knew me like no one else and an unconditional love that healed me again and again nine years too long without you bitter sweet happenings with your obvious absence weddings without your happy tears and grand babies born without your adoring kisses and hugs friendship without your laughter concerts and plays without your appreciation sunsets without you to paint them and gardens without you to water them family gatherings without you to plan them you are missing yet you are here still and you remind me ~C

Her name is everywhere as if Satan is trying to taunt me with it, get the better of me... get me to crack so nice try and pretty diverse a selection of Maggie's everywhere ...I'll give you that... Street signs, and cartoon characters, Ice cream shops with the word " Moo's " attached , Junk emails from someone with the same first name, I hear people say the name in public I hear it in movies it is chanting from the baseboards...no not really...you'd be worried about me then aye? but you know the beauty of all this? It is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. I should be cringing and ripping my hair out at the mention of that particular name but instead it is almost humorous (and P.S. I wonder if she hears "Christie" everywhere...) It is so very awesome how God can take a huge gaping wound and bind it up and heal it with his light. He is so good to take me to such a deep place of forgiveness that I am able to conquer with Him, any attack,...

Thinking of how things were of distinct circumstances isolated in their goodness focused on the way I felt then remembering it very selectively protectively and I can revisit again and again and reclaim that fulfillment the brightness of that moment frozen for all time in my heart ~C

There is a song on the radio that sings less of me, more of you God. The more I focus on what is going on inside my own head, the more lost I feel like I got turned around in the woods and there is no way to tell the way out, distracted....disoriented....and then panic sets in, engrossed in my own problems. If I check in , from an outside perspective and realize that I am stuck, then I can pray about it. and then I can ask God to carry my burden, I can lay it down. But it takes the acknowledgement that I am in a funk a spiritual awareness that I am off track and then I am simply back on again Thanks to God. ~C

Can a person think too much? I cannot help it. I tend to over do it I guess. I sort ideas and examine situations and go over them with a fine toothed comb. I don't make myself nuts doing this, rather it gives me a sense of completeness I think....like I have thought it through....thought of every possible angle. I am pretty laid back, so all this thinking hasn't made me neurotic or anything. I want to think that God designed me this way, not to annoy people and waste time, but for some greater purpose, I just need to figure that out. How to fine tune or harness my approach to my life, and in the meantime I will just work it out with writing, mull it over on paper... ~C

It is so awesome lately how God has sent me signs, like love postcards to let me know he loves me! I mean LITERALLY...recently I had an appointment where two very exceptional women anointed with The Holy Spirit prayed for me...at one point one of them said, "I keep getting this message from God for you, but I am not a good singer, God is wanting me to sing the song "You are so beautiful to me"to you. She sang it out all self conscious and I just thought how sweet a message that was. About 2 days later I was in the car driving home and I usually keep it on 88.1, but for some reason I was scanning through a few other stations, and I came across 96.1 where Dililah was taking dedications....This guy was going on about his personal struggle with his wife that wanted to divorce him, and I got sucked in. By the time it came time for his song that he wanted to dedicate, I was pulled into the driveway ready to get out of the car, but still too curious to see what song he would pi...

Isn't it weird how two people can take something in....the exact same circumstance...and come out of it with something completely different? That is a little scary to me actually. It goes back to how there can be very few guarantees in my mind because of how diverse and ever changing we are, because there is such a huge range of how we take things in and process them. Something that comforts me could be nails on a blackboard to you! Something I perceive as a blessing, could be nothing to you. You look right past it. How I love, and at the same time, am horrified at how diverse, and how separate we are! It makes sense that we gravitate toward the people who agree with our view of the world. It makes sense that we would sneer and glance skeptically toward the people that choose such a different path than our own. It really causes us to live in our own little bubble of a world though, no matter what we are willing to admit to ourselves. We want to feel like we are insanely open-mind...

Little choices lead to big ones it is easier to keep up with if you start off small consistency with the small choices makes it second nature a part of you choices are powerful they become you they broadcast what you're about where you are going what you are doing what you are ABOUT to do the small ones make the big ones easier because you created a pattern that has a life of it's own once started don't compromise yourself by justifying the small choices they become the big ones in a snap don't give in to what is easiest either that isn't the sort of gratification that lasts any value born in you blooms from habits formed by you and habits are formed by small choices and small leads to big and then big back to small until you know who you are and so does everyone else your consistency even your inconsistency tell them big or small ~C

I noticed how often I go by the FEEL of something, or the Feel of a situation, or maybe I should say how I feel about it, I go by FEELING through it. Some would say they just had a "gut feeling" about something, that is what I am getting at. Some times I cannot even explain why a certain situation I am in, or even time with a certain person does not feel right, it just doesn't. It is like oil and water in a glass, and I can shake it up from time to time to make it feel right for a short time, but then it will go back to being divided, unable to resist it's true nature in my life. It wasn't meant to be for me, and I feel that, while it is being revealed to me. Most of the time I fight these gut feelings, but it is futile most of the time, because there is a sense of unrest in me when I resist. A subtle off-throwing of what I usually do. If I am honest with myself and I stand back, I can see that I am avoiding acknowledging it, The thing or situation or the relatio...

Touch. It is what makes a Romantic relationship different from any other. And I know we hug our friends and maybe even kiss them on the cheek....but we don't TOUCH them, touch them. I just think that if you lack the impulse to reach out and touch the one you're with, then there is something missing, or something has died. If you live day in and day out with someone and you pass each other in the kitchen without any eye contact, or even a half-hearted glance, and if you discuss things in a detached manner and there is no love in your voice, and if you don't even kiss goodnight anymore....aren't you just roommates then? If you don't rub someones back or hold their face in your hands, if you don't even feel the desire to do so, aren't you wondering where that went? When did it go missing? and why? When did touch become so insignificant? And why when we first meet someone we are attracted to, after the first initial getting to know you part, at the part where ...

You are so negative like a festering sore that creeps and deepens and spreads out and reddens... You feed off of gossip you revel in my pain harvest the darkness because of your own wounds more comfy with complaints more cozy with whining resisting a good ending happier with the crying got something good and optimistic? You'll see her back as she's leaving... ~C

I talk too much I over explain indulge me as I explain it again in a different way with analogies galore I'll talk off your ear as you walk out the door ~C

I have talked about impatience before... and now it is sort of a subtle restlessness where I crave a new way, a new understanding of what I need and what I want and what I want to feel like, want to know where I am going. I feel like now that I have thrown off the rose colored glasses , my life will continue this way forever. Flying by the seat of my pants in all ways now, instead of just a few. Life is so uncontrollable, so unpredictable, and we can only reign in so much of it, there is only so much we can keep in line. People are so vast. The depth of them so complicated and tangled. Their vulnerabilities, their hang-ups. Their yearnings are in check and categorized for the sake of others. I wish we were all raw for once, without the aid of alcohol or drugs especially. That we all could walk out in the sunshine in the nude in a way, exposed and confident in all our shortcomings and flaws. That we could all put everything we had out in the open, on the table, and say "There it is...

God is doing great things He is also doing those things in me It is a knowing, without "knowing" A certainty, of growing an excitement that lives in expectation of the next cool clue that is shown to me that is revealed as I wait on his best the very best he has for my life that he has for me as I wait knowing without "knowing" Him. ~C

Like tears pouring from a loss so deep a good long cry that I needed a washing anew of everything exposed a collecting of sorrow in buckets left out the sound of it comforting and constant like anything with pattern I count on like anything soft and subtle and subdued for the time it takes in falling enjoy it while you can enjoy it more because you never know when it might end rain rain don't go away I want you now, not some other day I need you here to sing to me to whisper to me as I cry to sleep ~C

Tomorrow the day where we start again the day we choose to bring the past with us like suitcases in each hand or leave it be The new day that stands untouched, awaiting possibility I laugh when you tell me it is the first day of the rest of my life that was what yesterday was and I screwed that up so thank goodness I've got another chance, with each dawn that greets me thank goodness for forgiveness and time that makes it all hurt a little less for the chance again to throw a rock and make the right kind of ripples in this life to make the right kind of choices that add, and not the kind that take away and to love and give the best I can while I can in the rest of the tomorrows I am given. ~C

An imprint an impression pressed in pressing on my heart restoring a lost part a part missing replaced put back repaired better now better than before stronger made new to withstand anything everything a gift given that lasts that keeps on that holds that stays even after even later it stands still in time this gift a part of me now forever ~C

Goodbye in each day to someone, to something To how I once knew you and then a new you coming through you born into a body I knew before but who through you reaches out for me now or doesn't in a different way and I ponder who you've become as I wonder if it is that someone who still draws me in or not and I gamble with goodbye hoping tomorrow will reveal if I gambled well or poorly or maybe just confirmation that it was in fact time to go to say goodbye how could I know?? until I know ah, there in lies the gamble... ~C

There is only one key although there seems to be many there is no point to having so many keys when I only use the one perhaps to distract or to create an illusion as if my options are far more than one but only one is scratched and worn if you look close there is only one that is used only one that I know and know well ~C

Shadows linger where you once were and you were I didn't imagine it you were and so were we ~C

Selling a house is exhausting. You go into hyper-upkeep-mode and have to keep it immaculately maintained most of the time. Making your house look like a show house when you have a 4 and 2 year old is a bit insane. Especially when your boy has hit the messy stage, where pure entertainment comes from dumping out every container he can find, no matter what it is filled with! I am so over it all after going on 3 years on the market. I just want to live in my own home and feel that it is mine for once. This is the third house we renovated, and we got to live in each house about 3 years, a lot of that time being that each home was in transition over that time, maybe going from the 70's retro style to modern day. The point being that you don't totally enjoy the finished product very much, because when you get to that point then it is time to sell AND even if it doesn't sell right away, you carry on in this mode like it isn't really yours to keep anyway, so there is this detac...

Dried Rice K rispies are cemented to the floor with dried milk and Nails and screws are strewn about because you figured out you can open doors and Ooooh the utencil drawer a spatula could be a sword if I pretend and there is glitter embedded into the carpet because you can now open containers too and could you hand me the jar of marbles Mom Cuz I just want to dump it out Oh the thrill of dumping a jar of ANYTHING! No I don't want to clean any of it up Ahhhh Mannnn A time out? boo hoo (You are such work little one but how I love you.) ~C

you moved the furniture and I am blind I memorized the original arrangement it is how I knew how to get around (in the dark) and now I am bashing my knees and bruising learning this new way around and through and past obstacles in my new reality forever altered by the changes you made without me ~C

so you're walking and you're walking.... and OH! you meet her and well (you are semi grown up now) and this is different than a fling it just FEELS different it could be the start of something and then it is and it becomes serious I can picture myself with this girl How many kids do you want? and then before you know it a proposal Ahhh she said yes! YES! and then my first house and then kids.... is it stuffy in here? Is that all? Ooooh she's hot! Who is she? You mean I could have waited and been with her? Was I just biding my time with this other life, until I found my REAL one? Moving on.... "up" OUT see ya. ~C

To be SEEN is glorious acknowledged validated adored but when he looks through me or past me with indifference as if I do not exist it burns and part of me tries not to notice and another part withers ~C

My pillows smell like you and I am the only one who knows that no one else could tell and there is something so private about that so intimate and it reminds me of you makes it seem like you are right there next to me again in the dark ~C

When I was in first grade my Mom and Dad separated . We lived in the Bahamas at the time and my Dad was going to be stationed in Hawaii the next year, and me, my brother and my sister would move to Long Island with my Mom and her new Boyfriend Jeff. We lived with Jeff for 6 years I think...my selective memory doesn't allow for specifics, but it was at least that. Jeff became a part of my life, a father figure. I came to expect his presence and know it, and although there was an obvious gap there, because he could never fully love me as his own, He was present, loving, and involved, unlike my own father. Because of this I grew to Love him...count on him too I think. But then they split. After that my Mom dated many a man for a time, my selective mind only flashes with memories of some of them, maybe 5 different guys, but those 5 make an impression because, like with Jeff, I came to love them, expect them to stay, or just wanted them to. My Mom was dating them, but in some ways they ...

I am so fascinated lately with human relationship. It is so strange how fragile relationships can be and how the love seems to fade out with time. The love fades and then people just move on. How can we ever make any sort of guarantee to one another? The possibilities are endless and they swirl about us. There are temptations galore and beyond that we are constantly growing and changing. There was never any promise that we would change together, at the same pace. Life is hard, but sharing our lives with another so intricately complicated person is even harder! Why are we so passionate and loving in the beginning and then it fades to indifference? Why do we get to the point where we don't even speak to each other with love? It is like the more we know about each other we use against each other....we can hurt more deeply and hit below the belt with such accuracy because we KNOW all the weak points, all the vulnerabilities. Why wouldn't that make us love and support each other m...

Question: Do I see each day as a day older, or as a new beginning? Neither. I have always marveled at the saying..live each day as if it was your last..How could you possibly do that without feeling too much drama and pressure in that saying? I understand the concept, don't get me wrong...I just think we THINK we know what we'd do if faced with death and it is not necessarily what we think it is....we don't live it in the way that saying portrays....or at least my Mom didn't (couldn't). Everything is about circumstances, how they affect us and what attitude we choose to bring to those circumstances. I'll be honest and say that at the core of me I am optimistic and hopeful, but over that there is a layer that wavers. A layer I have to convince and keep connected to God, I guess it is the human layer. I know what I believe to be true in my spirit because God has made that a very real reality, but the human part of me struggles to keep the windshield clean. I am n...

What a waste, if you don't use it.... Say you are THE best kisser in the entire world, but you devote NO time to kissing ANYONE.... Or a painter who doesn't paint, A writer who doesn't write...you get my point. Life is so short, and not just life, but this particular chapter, with these particular characters, even this PAGE is interesting in the now in it's own special glory! So kiss away already! kiss until your lips fall off...because Love is fleeting and skin will lose its elasticity and if you are not in tune, life will totally pass you by! It won't matter if your lips are all wrinkly when you are old, especially if they got that way from all the KISSING! (but if they are wrinkly from the smoking I say ewwwwwww ) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ~C

Peace Love Hope in Tomorrow Peace Love Hope in Today Peace Love Hope in my waking, my wondering, my dreaming, my every way... Peace Love Hope in my future Peace Love Hope to my past, Peace Love Hope in how and why I remember it, Peace Love Hope that will last... Peace Love Hope to all of them Peace Love Hope from GOD through me, Peace Love Hope from the beginning, to now, till then.... forever it will be. ~C

How fleeting the short time we get to be NUDIE ! It already seems unacceptable to some at 4. How sad to not see that little heinee , that J-Lo bootie , before me, anymore... I won't think of it yet. Missing the beauty of perfect smooth new skin in perfect teeny parts. How freeing it feels for them, how native, how natural..... I will entertain the nudiness in the privacy of my home until it just seems wrong, because life is short, and the opportunity to be Nudie is shorter. Tee hee . ~C

My care bear optimism has been scattered, in some ways torn apart. torn apart by reality... the illusion of so much good...trampled upon by what we are all capable of. Miss goody two shoes runs from alcohol and drugs and runs smack into divorce.... because we all have lessons to learn, reasons we need to grow and stretch ourselves.... and we all struggle from SOMETHING. My vice is my own, and yours, is yours....and maybe we will conquer what gets the better of us time and time again, but maybe we won't. But it is the journey, right? The destination of Heaven will not change for me, so why am I ever intimidated with falling on my face? Jesus knows what that felt like and he picked himself up again.... and that is what I will do, as I pray that this cynicism that creeps upon me from time to time, doesn't wrap me in it's vice like grip and whisper to me about all the hate in the world. The hate and the loss and the broken hearts, the death and struggling that keeps us from ou...

Seeking instead of relishing relishing in the NOW, in what now has to offer you... wasting the day remembering or looking so far ahead, that you trip and fall, on your face, in the mud! Ah to be content, in myself TODAY! to accept the ME God created me to be! Why do I have to remind myself so often?? Isn't it so amazing to think of how many sperm were in that one shot...( OK gross maybe if you think too long on it and recognize that that was the very beginning of your existence ) but REALLY, out of all those sperm, YOU were the one that made it! Or half of you was...the other half of you resided in the egg, but let's not get distracted by a tangent of specifics! Let's focus on the MIRACLE!! So you made it! You beat the odds! What was it, 20,000 to One? (Do I have to google the answer and get an exact average #, because I am too immature for that....it will just send me back to sex ed class, and to how HILARIOUS it was for me. I am so immature....) So you won the lottery o...

It seems like I am waiting for you to reach out, but if it isn't there, it isn't there, is it? It cannot work otherwise, and the fleeting times you do initiate burn bright red and linger in their rarity , a heightened moment of clarity that has me mouthing the words..."only if" Only if, he did this constantly... OK then, consistently . I want to be with someone who reaches for me. Who wants to want to reach for me. but in the waiting I am learning to be fulfilled by God, and be resolute in his Love, so I am not endlessly looking for validation and affection, tossed by emotion, while I wait to experience it all again. What's to say it won't all happen again if we try for it, like an endless tide pattern of low tide/ high tide.... I cannot function under the whims of the tide anymore, I am incapable now. I feel like I am building up the nerve to strike out on my own, in my own way, on my own terms and I am preparing to say no, no that is not enough....and no I...

memories stained with heartache love sent out... return to sender mixed with love divine when "just right" "just right", no rhyme or reason like seasons change before you know it, so suddenly fortune or ruin so white and then.... pale grey like a morning that lulls you back into sleeping or a separateness that comes creeping the waterfall of love falls hard on rocks that both delight in the pounding water and can feel nothing at any moment and I am weeping at the loss of you and the sometimes love that you were keeping for me ~C

What could you do with sixteen years? How much could you love me in them? How many kisses? How many hugs? How many ways....love conveyed? How many days did you wonder why you picked a girl like me? But then how many days were you glad? Which thought outweighed the other? Taken for granted many times over beauty and light and love fortune sought elsewhere in anything....satisfactory....for a time while love sat and waited for you to discover it again in some new light, from some new angle Somewhere in those haunting green eyes lurks the memory of the man who delighted in me once and in an isolated moment all circumstances dim and I feel myself drawn to him like yesterday just yesterday ~C

drawn might as well be drawn and quartered on this road of love I have stumbled with bloody knees heart pierced and bleeding never understanding always wondering what went missing for you wishy washy love sloshing messy and undirected diluted and DISTRACTED but hauntingly good while it lasted for a time until I stumbled and fell again in the loss of your attention ~C

fly like a bird to find it open the cage you put yourself in and allow yourself to know yourself deeply and then we'll see if your heart belongs to me we'll see ~C

I was writing one night....pleading to God and I asked: God help me to visualize a resurrection from this death a flower blooming from manure a new life from your breath because all I can see out before me is questionable, rickety at best and the promise of something beautiful has doubt perched deep in my chest Give me your eyes to see beauty in the ash the enemy's fire has left I cannot find the bud forming I cannot see it finding me yet Hope won't elude me, but I dodge it not wanting to feel pain ever again not wanting to feel the rejection that haunts my heart, digging in Renew again my understanding of the truth you do not hide from me and bring it out into the open, right before me undeniably understandable to me so I might not waver in my path straight for you straight for the one I love, If that is of you and I won't look back and wonder I'll know because I know YOU. ************************************************ and the most amazing thing happened...from my sp...

Yeah so we all have hang-ups. Is it that we eat too much, or run too much, or maybe we run from ourselves, or obsess over anything and everything? Maybe it is pretty obvious a problem like drinking or snorting cocaine, and sometimes it is the most subtle things that unravel the person who seems the most put-together. Anything can be crippling to anyone and the combinations are endless and played out till the end of time! For me, it is you. You have a way of fulfilling me and then driving me crazy with your indecisive ways and your elusive smile that comes and goes, that smile that is crowded out by your roller coaster emotions and your burdened mind. The line "To move confidently in the direction of your dreams...." should be your mantra. Confidence is lacking! Direction is lacking! Moving, out of confusion....is lacking! and I don't want that to drag me down too....I am involved far too much and have entangled myself so tightly into this pattern that it is dividing ME fr...

It would have been really helpful if some of the fairy tales I heard as a kid ended in divorce. Because happily ever after....which to be truthful, sounds so simple and blissful, is just laughable now that I am all grown up and can appreciate those words for what they really mean! I am not a cynic.... I could never fully condescend what still dwells in my heart. ( Once a dreamer always a dreamer, thanks in part to all those unrealistic fairytale endings! ) So really, what if Snow White divorced the Prince two years later and maybe she remarried one of the dwarfs ? Too short? They domesticated her though and they love to dance, and they seem really attentive, appreciative, and adoring! Come on! Does height really matter? Ha ha.... What I am getting at, is that it would have been helpful to see some relationship problems, some bickering even....maybe she wanted to take a walk that day....and she asks the prince in a snotty tone why they always have to ride his horse? See!! Princesses do...

I always considered myself a pretty patient person. Much more so with people... If a machine jams or a computer deletes what I am writing and I can't get it back....well then I start gnashing my teeth at it and huffing and puffing. People, at least, I can try to reason with. So patience is a tricky thing, because it can get irritating, being patient, and sometimes it can leave you lonely but it can also make you feel proud that you are able to keep it up too. I am trying to become a MASTER at not complaining while being patient. You know those people in line at Disney World when you are in the kind of line you cannot get out of easily and you are too far away from the beginning but quite a ways from the end and they start griping....well it is understandable sure.....they investmented a lot of their time and now they feel stuck and to turn back now would be such a waste, and they really want to ride the amazing ride! (This is totally an analogy for my life if you haven't caugh...

angels sleeping side by side how did you get so big already? how did I play a part in something so amazing that keeps on growing with the love in my heart as you sleep while I watch and I wonder at the beauty of your very existence!

Why do we have to measure success....with diplomas, and salaries, and material things? Why the endless search and destroy mission for more and then MORE! The temporary joy fades and leaves you disenchanted, unsatisfied. The real meaning of life, discarded and passed by, while you flounder to climb higher and higher.... We all take different paths, and that should be OK , shouldn't it? Part of me is feeling fine with my accomplishments, and another part of me so defensive, so willing to PROVE myself at one probing glance, an implication that I may not have done enough with my life so far. What have YOU done? What are you doing NOW? We do that you know, scramble to achieve things on paper, jot them down, keep record and check it twice....I've made something of myself see! See it is right here in black and white! Ahhhhh .....but how profound to look through those documents after someone has died, and measure their life with these accomplishments. How morbid but too how enlighten...